Some manner of family conflict is pretty close to inevitable when there is a death in the family. When I see it happening I imagine the deceased person painfully watching, saying "Get over it! If you want me to rest in peace, quit your squabbling and come together as a family."
It's especially painful when the last parent dies and there's an estate to be settled.
Sometimes it heals after a while, other times it splits families forever. It's not a good idea to say "It won't happen to us." Maybe you'll get lucky and it won't. But being prepared for it and how to deal with it is a better idea. Get a lawyer. Get a funeral director. Make your wishes known. Get it done.
It's not therapy, comfort for the bereaved or grief support. There are lots of individuals and groups doing that. It's just an old guy's ponderings and meanderings about more deaths than I can count or even remember. I write mostly for me but there's that faint hope that somebody will stumble upon it and find something they can relate to.
Do men and women grieve differently? Of course. Are there exceptions? Sure.
I might have tried a local group if there was one for guys, moderated by a male person.
There's a nice older song, "Love is lovelier the second time a
round." It's heart warming to see an older widow or widower find new love. I like to see it but I don't envy it. At this time in my life I need to be alone. That's another one that goes in the category of "We are all different and there is no right or wrong way to deal with death."
The tadrn address stands for "Talk About Death Right Now." I am quite passionate about taking care of as many end-of-life details as I can before it happens. No doubt there are friends and family who are, to put it mildly, uncomfortable about that. I am not depressed. I do not plan to shuffle off to Buffalo (that's an old song) or anyplace else very soon. It's just something I need to do. And I would be happy if more people did it.
If there is anything at all that's different about this blog and other four that I hope somebody stumbles upon, it's the age thing. At 90, I could be the father or grandfather of most internet users. It would be real nice if that made me wise It just puts me in a very different place from anyone who reads my geriatric ramblings.
I am a widower as of 2013 My parents, aunts and uncles, siblings and all but a few possible cousins are long gone. How could someone half my age or younger possibly relate to anything I say about death?
There's not much I can tell them. So I talk to myself. Isn't that what many bloggers do? It's good to see your thoughts on screen and be surprised at what you wrote. You think, " Did I say that? Is that what I've been thinking?"
That's a pretty good reason to keep a journal or diary or write a blog about life, death and everything in between. If you need comments, put it on facebook. If it's your personal diary, do a blog.
Ever since my wife died in 2013 I have had questions about the five stages of grief that the counselors talk about. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They came from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Her 1969 book, "On Death and Dying," made her name a household word. We still hear about her today.
I was thinking, is there something wrong with me? If I experienced those stages I got them in the wrong order and I'm not sure I went through any of them. Except maybe acceptance, which isn't really a stage for me.
This is one reason why I have so far avoided the various grief support groups. There's one at a church not far from me, moderated by a professional grief counselor who shows a video and leads the group in talking about it. That kind of presentation can be very effective, but it doesn't work for me, no matter the subject at hand. Just another of my quirks. Probably an introvert trait.
Be sure to read the comment below from a person who worked with Kubler-Ross.
